|Series 05, episode 03|
|Date aired||16 May 2008|
|Previous episode||Spin War|
|Next episode||Jeremy's Mummy|
Jeremy is out of money, and Mark begins to ration him after Jeremy eats his cumberland sausage which he cooked for himself for his birthday. Mark plans on having a birthday party, so he signs up for speed dating to get a date to his own party.
Jeremy decides to get money by donating his sperm, but he can't find any good porn in the sperm bank. He decides to masturbate to an image of Queen Elizabeth on his money, but the money falls on the ground and he is greeted by the image of Elgar, which ruins his session.
Mark goes speed dating and realizes that nobody checked him. Disappointed, he sees an Australian woman called Saz at the bar and she tells him that her boyfriend just kicked her out. Desperate, Mark invites her to live with him and Jeremy, which means he is kicking Jeremy out.
Jeremy sees Big Suze, who is living with Johnson again. When she is out of the room, Jeremy finds Johnson's debit card with a post-it with the pin number attached. Jeremy decides to steal the card, figuring that Johnson will get paid back for everything Jeremy buys, and if Johnson doesn't tell on Jeremy, nobody will get in trouble. Jeremy proceeds to buy pointless items, including an expensive suit and a violin.
Jeremy is mad that he is being kicked out, so Mark agrees to give him some time to find another place. Meanwhile, Saz throws cocaine-fueled parties at the house, one of which takes place when Sophie arrives to return Mark's stuff, resulting in Sophie getting angry at Mark for living with another woman so quickly after their wedding.
The next morning, Saz is an emotional wreck, and in desperation, she agrees to be Mark's girlfriend so that she can stay living in his flat. Mark tries to have sex with her, but she says, "Maybe later?", making it clear that she was never very attracted to him.
Meanwhile, at work, Mark accidentally injures himself with a paper clip at a meeting when he is distracted by watching Sophie and Jeff flirt overtly. Dobby sympathizes with him and asks if she can go with him as his date to his birthday party, but Mark tells her he is going with his "girlfriend" Saz.
At Mark's birthday party, Sophie is there with another man, as is Dobby. Meanwhile, Saz starts dancing sexily with Jeff, eventually making out with him and telling Mark to "f--- off". Jeremy arrives with his violin, wearing an expensive suit, and Johnson discovers that Jeremy was the one stealing his card.